~Only the Beginning~

Sometimes it hurts. 

Sometimes it burns.

Sometimes it bleeds.

Sometimes it screams.

Sometimes it stings.

And sometimes it won't go away...

  Have you ever had that feeling of being torn apart from the inside out? A feeling that won't ever go away, one that follows you everywhere and slowly kills you. It brings you down to a dark place where it's almost impossible to resurface. It afflicts you. You wimper and moan as it laughs and cuts just a little deeper. It makes you cry, it makes you want to curl up and die. After you encounter it once, it will have scarred you for life. You won't ever be the same, guarunteed.

  I have tried so hard, with sweat and blood, but it still hurts. I still cry and i still wish it had happened differently, but it didn't. I've considered ending it with my blood, but what good would that do? My problems and the feeling of hurt would follow me into the afterlife. It would follow me to hell, it would be the one dragging me there by my hair. Even if i ended it, i would never forgive myself for leaving everything behind the way i did, but what is there that i would be leaving behind? A secret love? Family? Friends? No. I wouldn't be leaving anything behind. I have nothing to lose, ever.

  Sometimes the Pain and the Hurt and the Loss cut me so deep it left me breathless and on my stomach on the ground. It killed. It was undescribable and in no way did i think i deserved it. I never did anything wrong. I never hurt anyone, and i had always been the one girl that all my friends could count on, then the Pain came and ruined it all. It ended me for good. There was also the Hurt. The Hurt was a result of having a more than painful relationship with someone i fell in love with and then realising the true me and my sexual orientation. I had been left crushed. One of the worst would indubitably be the Loss. The Loss cuts like a razor and it draws more than a single drop of blood. It spills 99% of my blood on the cold hard floor while standing above my weeping body and laughing proudly, like it just won a race. And i guess it did, the race of my life. It owns me. The Loss i feel is a result of losing something i love. Someone i love. Losing friends. Losing family. Losing everything i ever cared about. 

  Never in a million years would i have guessed that i would be here, dealing with being torn apart by my worst enemies. But i am, and i have to deal with it. I am striving to stay on my feet and stay alive, but i don't know how much longer i can take it, it just pierces me right through. I want so badly just to give up and walk away, but if it was that easy i'd have done it before now.