"Talk" - Against The Current (Official Video)

You and only You.

hey there! i'm sorry for being absent for so long. i feel like i always apologize for being gone, i need to blog more often. school started about two weeks ago and i have afternoon classes from tuesday to friday, i get extra lesson on mondays and saturdays and sunday is the only free day. i basically have no life =D, by the way :D i'm super happy and already spent 50 SGD for make up and brushes. need to calm down a little bit, because otherwise my money will be gone, before the next 15th of the month.

"every single day i wake, i just cant wait to see your face. are you looking back at me? and every moment that goes by i am waiting for a sign.." you and only you by we the kings. when i heard the song for the first time i was like "OH MY GOSH. exactly what i'm feeling!" that day i saw the guy i like hugging another girl. i know, it might be one of his friends but i still died a little inside. a few days ago when i thought that i was over him, he suddenly appeared in my dreams. just like someone doesn't want me to get over with it. i'm so tired of having no idea what he's thinking about me.

i'll try to blog as much as possible, but it usually takes me about an hour to finish one post and i don't have that much time, so i just check heello and facebook one in a while, if you want, you can listen me there too =D.

~there's nothing that i wouldn't do..to make you feel my love~

To anyone who's ever had a broken heart, been picked on, been abused or neglected, been toyed with, hated themselves,to all the lonely people out there, i just want you to know one thing: YOU ARE LOVED. you are wonderful, lovely, and beautiful. You might not believe that you are these things, but trust me, you are. Someone out there loves you and cares for you, and would go to the ends of the earth for you. Whether it's your family, your friends, or maybe even someone you might not have even met yet... they're out there somewhere. You just have to believe.

~The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.~

hola everyone, my hair is brown again :)

anyways,
do you guys know what you want to be when you're "grown up"? which job you would like to have?
because i don't. i honestly have no idea. and i'm 16 now, turning 17 in august.
there are a lot of things i would like to do.
something with fashion or makeup or photography, makeup artist or fashion photographer.
my biggest dream is becoming famous as an actress or singer, but the chances are not very high and yeah.
and i wish i would have started playing piano when i was 10 or something, so i would be a pro by now.
i shouldn't have stopped taking violin  lessons aswell. there are so many things i regret doing,
but i can't change it and I have to deal with it.

the last few years i told myself that i would have enough time to figure it out, but now i got to the point
where there's no more left and i need to make a decision. so i'll continue going to school, until  find out what i want to do with my life.

dear heart, this is harder than i thought&i've lost some of your peices, i think they're still with him.

its hard to move on from someone who you were 'in love' with or still are.
its even harder knowing that whilst your trying to fix your heart back together, they've already moved on.. i think thats the hardest part; watching the one you love, love someone else.
its kinda like that now, i'm trying to convince myself and everbody else that i'm over him & that i dont need him.. but its not working, people can see right through me, i'm like a fucking window.
i cant admit to myself that i need him, because my mind is taking over and telling myself that i can live without him, but i cant. i really cant.
i'll keep trying, because its back in the past and you cant re-write the past no matter how much you want to, but last week that was me, that kills me knowing that someone else is holding his hand&kissing his lips, when i know that, that should be me in her place.

however, i cant describe my feelings. a part of me wants him back, needs him back. yet another part has already let go, but no matter how hard i try, no matter how much i convince myself that i'm over him, everytime he looks my way, right there at that very moment, i'm right back to square one. i'm stuck, its like my feet are supergluded to the floor and even though i try to move, its impossible.
i know its gona take time, i also know that eventually it will happen, because i'll make it happen, even if it means i have to celotape my heart back together, however i cant do that just yet cause' half of the peices still belong to him. - x

~Getting abuse! but dont care~

I love getting abuse.
It mean someone has actually taken the time to write meaningless words to me. Yiu guys who do it are inspirational. I love your opinionated selves. Truly amazing you know? I know you are not jealous of me like others would claim, no way, Im jealous of you. I just wish i had the balls to go on your pages and send anoymnous abuse just like you guys, i wish to grow up to be like you! Seriously im not taking the piss here.

Oh and just answering your lovely questions.
A sixeen year old can wear makeup, it is my choice, i've worn it for ages. I don't wear it to be 'cool' i sincerly dislike myself without it. And plus Im like nearly seventeen, and im pretty sure just because im young doesnt mean im not mature. Im pretty sure i can make my own decisions, but thanks guys i love you too.
Two. Big headed wasted ugly slut. Big headed? mmm im not sure, I dont really see myself that great, to be honest i have anxiety issues because of my lack of confidence in myself, but hey you must be the wise one here I'll go with your idea. Ugly well if  i agree i sound attention seeking so i'll just high five you, slut mmm yeah no I dont really think so depending on how you mean so, but hay you must really know me well, so thanks, i always wanted to know who and what i was. You really narrowed it down for me, your a good friend.

~The person i miss the most~

 I never really got to know you as an older person, with a better understanding of things than when i was eight or younger. You used to take us all out one by one, and buy us our hearts desire, oh how i wish that was still true. I never really got to say goodbye to you, i dont remember the last time i saw you before you left. I never cried. I never knew how to, i was young, but i still knew what was going on. I was more aware than anyone would have thought, i just couldnt. I wish i could have cried, but we all know that is who i am. Heartless and dry. I really do think about you these days, i tried to cry over loosing you, but something just pulls me back, it is liek you are there, telling me not to. You tried to make your time last longer, but we only gained a few month.Tiara says i remind her of you, apparently a lot, and i just wish  you could see me, and see yourself in me too, and feel proud. Because that would be my ultimate goal, to make you proud of me. I love you Amanda, and i do miss not being able to talk to you.

~Someone that pester my mind, ~

If i am honest, you don't pester my mind as much as previous people. Which is good, because that means im not thinking too much into things, because that is where i always go wrong. Because i think and think, and over think, i do it all the time, and it makes me paranoid, sometimes i would think so much i would become panicky and have actual attacks. I wouldnt be able to stop shaking, that was bad, But you pester my mind in a good way. You are like the sun, making me feel warm, just being around you. You make me smile and happier even if it is just for a few hours, it makes me feel better than i previously have.  And im grateful for even just that. Thanks for everything andy hope you have great life there (=