~Sigh~

why can' t i ever get anything right? i just

want to make people happy and keep them

happy . but i' m just one giant screw up ... i

try and i try . but i never succeed . there' s 

lie after lie and i never feel whole . everybody

seems to forget that i' m sitting alone , crying

half the time . maybe they never knew ... i

want warmness around me .i want some one to

love me , for me . every piece of me , all the

mistakes . i have no innocence , warmth , or happiness 

to hand you . i thought maybe i could tell you 

everything . that you' d understand , make me feel

better about myself . but you left me here ,

in tears . i' m hating myself more than i

ever have . i just want to take everything

back . so my efforts are good enough for 

you . your utter disgust doesn' t help me at all .

i just want you to see that i' m the one

who went through all this . i' m the one 

who' s lived on with my secrets , and 

consequences . not one day goes without pain

or tears , no matter what i do . i just wish you

could see that . maybe because you' ve never

made any mistakes ...but please , just forgive

me . this is harder on me than it is

on you , trust me , please . i need your words

to keep me breathing , your presence to

keep my heart beating . i don' t want this

to be the reason it stops ... i just want 

you ... no , i need you . please , just hear me out .

i LOVE you ...

English? Noo seriously.....

I received my listening comprehension in English today.. Didn't went so good.. It didn't went so good at all...
I really was sad, angry and stressed that it went so bad for me..
The teacher said that maybe I should consider writing  upper-secondary final examination in easy english.
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! This was so depressing to hear...
I know I am good in english. yes I really am!! What a depressing day really. 

 having another test tomorrow that I will get better than a B!!!!!! Or atleast I will aim for that! Studying words, grammar.. and everything.. kinda boring but fun in the same time.

~The Pain Hug Me Tightly ~O~,~

I'm the type of person who ignores the pain until its gone or unbearable.
For the last week my stomach  have been burning, and the only person I've told is my auntie... 


Too many kisses will leave you with sickness. Mostly if theyre strangers, and it's dark. I'm just saying. I definitely didn't do that...


Nose, throat, back, stomach, arms, shoulders, even my hair follicles hurt. 

How do you deal with pain? Do you shoot up? Do you cut up? Do you tell? Or do you ignore...


Ignorant people are the worst. People who ignore are also the worst. I've gotten the cold shoulder a number of times, and let me tell you, i would much rather be yelled at. Being ignored does not solve problems. It puts them on a shelf, lets them fester away. Lets them rot. I do not like to let my problems rot. I shake them, out in the open, i put them on the table and display them so nobody is ignorant. But people dont like to know about other people's problems. So usually I tuck them away in my pocket, waiting for a moment to break them out and surprise the world.

Confidence

Where do i begin? First of all, the past year, as i said before i got into so many fights with people, they judged me, and i had a very low self-esteem. And honestly, it was rough. Having no self-confidence can really bring you down. But what i've learned, you should always stand up for yourself. Show people that your more than what they think you are, show them and prove them wrong. 

YOUR BEAUTIFUL.

No matter what size you are, what race, just remember that your beautiful, no matter what people say about you, you shouldn't care. Because if you let what people say get to you, you will break down. Be yourself, thats all i can say. Don't pretend to be something your not and don't be ashamed of who you are. Show everyone the real you.

I think in these past couple of months, things changed. i AM more self confident, and i'm sure of myself. Being self confident dosen't mean your bragging about yourself. No, it means that you are PROUD of who you are, and you can never let anything or anyone break that wall of confidence of yours. 

 

You know to be honest, last year, i would never have had enough guts to post something like this, it would be on one of my last things to do list. Why? Because i had No self confidence what so ever. i'd let anything bring me down, and i actually cared about what people said about me. Showing people you care when they criticize you puts a huge smile on their faces. And you wouldn't want to let them know your affected. So when your self confident, you will actually laugh at what they're saying. Well its what i do now, people think i still care about what they say about me, but the truth is, i don't. I don't let it get to me.

Every night, look in the mirror, and say ' i am a self confident woman '. Do that EVERY NIGHT, and i promise you, you will feel better about yourself. 

 

BE HAPPY

No Matter what is going on in your life, BE HAPPY. Thank god that your not in a worse situation, thank god that he has put you in a situation like this so you can learn from your mistakes. Thank god that he has made you into what you are.

Live your life for yourself...

Or live for the struggle at best.

I'll start with my views on love, and romance.

Most girls I know are lovers of romance. A rose on a birthday, a candle lit dinner, or a teddy bear with an 'I love you' heart on it. I don't like that. Well, it's not that I don't like it, I just don't want it. If I had to chose between going out and having a laugh with someone, or a pile of presents and someone declaring their love, I'd chose the first. I don't need presents and gestures to show me how much I mean to you. Just tell me. It's so much easier and more sincere that way. Another thing is I don't do Valentines Day. To me, it's simply, another day. Why assign one day a year, purely for declaring your love for someone? Why do you feel the need on that one day to tell them you love them? If you loved them, why not tell them anyway, and not need a kid in a nappy to tell you to do so? When V-Day comes around, I treat it like any other day, because that's what it is. And to make my opinion even more negative, I also believe it to be a holiday made up my companies to sell more. Just saying.

Also, 'soul mates'. I don't think that there is one person in the world who is destined to be with one other person. You meet someone, and you fall in love. There is no destiny about it. You just meet them. Everyone will fall in love one day. Even I can think like that. But to say that there is only one person you will ever 'truly' love is a bit far fetched if you ask me.

Speaking of which, I don't believe in destiny. What is it? "An event (or a course of events) that will inevitably happen in the future". That's what Google said when I asked for the definition. Life is not planned out for you. People say you make your own destiny, which I guess you do.. But isn't how you live your life up to you, and not preorganised? If I decided to dye my hair red, but dyed it purple instead, or it went orange, was that my 'destiny'? No, it's something I did. A factor in my life that I changed. Not something planned out for me.

I also don't believe in God, ghosts, spirits, or any of that stuff. The God people believe in is simply there as reassurance. And I don't deny that. Some people need to believe that there is someone looking out for you, and that it may give you comfort, but to me, it's just as made up as Harry Potter. The bible, and this may come across as controversial, is the first ever fictional book written. Well, the first testament anyway. I don't doubt there was a man named Jesus at some point. But God is just there as a kind of crutch, so people have something to believe in.

I Must Study

I have english exams atm, and I find it hard to revise, so I figured out what it is that makes me remember something.

Writing stuff down, and colours. So I made a revision thing for english which incorporates both

 

 

~What are These Things?~

 

What are the things everyone always experiences, but never really define? I just had a moment where I wanted to think about it, and write them down.

 

What is friendship?

Friendship is the bond that you have with someone else. Something that is irreplaceable by just anyone. Someone who knows you inside and out, and who you can trust with anything, even if you think you shouldn't. You tell them everything, the things you want, and don't. The things you love and what you regret. Your dreams, goals and ambitions. Someone you can always turn too, when things get too hard, or just when you fancy a talk. Someone who will understand you to the best extent possible, and who'll bail you out of trouble, or sometimes, even be in the trouble with you. The reason you got in the trouble? You and your friend were just being you. Together nothing can come between you, but if something were too, you don't let it go, you keep working at it until you think things are as great as they ever were. That's what I think of friendship.

What is love?

Love is that feeling where, nothing seems the same any more. That everything changes when you meet that one person who makes you feel complete, and who holds you to the planet, and gives you reason. When you see them you're overcome by happiness, and nervousness, and excitement, all rolled into one large, uncontrollable feeling. You love them irrevocably and your biggest fear would be losing them. Bubtterflies live in your stomach, and when you hug them, all you feel is their warmth against your own body, and nothing else around you even matters any more. It's just you two. They'd never leave you, but they know when to let you go. They never lie to you, and they never hurt you. They'll know you down to your core, and love you for your flaws, and your personality, and every trait you possess. Nothing seems like it works when you're not with them, and no one else can make you as happy as they do.

.

What is hate?

In my own experience, hate is normally driven by love. You can't hate someone unless you've loved them, and you don't know hate until you've loved. You look at them and you get a sinking feeling of regret and guilt and loss. Everyone seems to think when you hate someone you just want to punch them, and kick them, but in my eyes, all you want to do when you hate someone is ask  "why?". Why do you hate them? Why do they hate you? Also ask yourself what went wrong. I've hated. I do hate. But I love. So hate seems pointless and a waste. Love is easier, and nicer. Hate makes you angry, and upset, and alone. Don't hate.

~That's Me~

I don't like close ups XP 

but that's me as you all know, but I wish I was:

pretty, thin, smart, popular and all the rest  of that crap. 
But I'm not,

I'm not Marilyn Monroe, I'm not katty perry, I'm not mylie cyrus and I'm not Angelina Jolie. But I can work with what I'm given

I'm not pretty but I can work with what I have

I'm not thin but I can lose weight

I'm not the smartest but I can learn

I'm not the most popular but I have lots of friends who love me as I do them, no need for anyone else for to hold onto anyone that causes pain.

Things can all change, it's just up to your head to do it. Trust no one because only you know what's right for you.

Just think about that...

I am Cassie Renatavia. I'm not afraid to be who I am. I've never been a fake, I've always spoke my mind, I've over come everything thrown at me. 

I'm not afraid to say I like the beatles, mayday parade, Bon Jovi, paramore and stereo skyline when everyone else likes britney spears, beyonce, lady gaga and justin bieber .

I'm not afraid to wear red when everyone is wearing white.

I'm not afraid to scream in the rain when everyone is sheltering quietly under umbrellas.

Anyone can kill themselves when they get so low. But it takes more courage to live on.

~Tell me why~

Its hard to explain all of this. because ive never been in love before. Or even come close to it really. And i dont know if i should because you tell me you cant. which gives me a funny feeling of history repeating its self. but il try to explain anyway..

the first thing that ive told you before, and its the main reason why we fit.

you see the world in the same way i do. in things that are beautiful and pure and attractive in the light

and you see potential good in everyone. 

you make me laugh, and you dont need to try. you make me laugh till i cry. or just a little bit just so i smile. 

but you also make me smile. i just need to look at you and i smile.

you listen to music that i listen too. that weird messed up music no one likes for some reason or another but because you feel something, the same thing i do, when you listen too it.

some things you say to me give me scary all up my arms and down too my toes.

when i hold you i have the loveliest feeling all over me. the first time i kissed you i heard music and saw fireworks and felt like the love story. 

you see me in the exact way i want to be seen.

you make me genially belive that you love me and you talk to me like we have a definate future.

you make me want you forever.

im not going to even go into how you look. just WOW ok?

you make me feel special and beautiful. 

you give me meaning and colour and light to my life. you give me something to live for. 

and the last thing

you just make me love you

~confused by me~

Well lately, I've been a mean, selfish, stupid, uncaring, judgemental, non-understanding, non-approachable, freaky, weird, hyper, retarded, jealous poop faced jerk. ^_^ I just wanted to get that out into the open.
And it's not just because I've been moody latey...I think we all know why I have, but that's no excuse at all~! I went from really liking someone and wanting to be there for them to erasing every trace that I even knew them in a few days, because of my me-ness. T_T'

Which sucks more than anything, because I'm always so sensitive...always thinking I'm bothering someone or swearing that someone hates me. = [ It's more tiring than anything...but sometimes I just feel like I'm putting in all of the effort in a friendship. = ( I may be asking too much, but sometimes I like to be welcomed once in a while, or get a happy "hello" sometimes...or a "how are you...?" to show that you actually care. I do get that from some of my friends...= ]
I don't know...lately it's just kind of been all upside down for me...since I always get reminded of certain people and for some silly reason, I keep thinking I can help them, and somehow make them happy. Or make them see the really wonderful things in life...or become their friend, or someone they actually think about or treasure in their lives...but then again, that's my terrible habit...I want to feel needed a lot of times...^^ Or else I'm just a strange girl floating around in this world, trying in vain to make people smile once or twice. It never works because I'm too annoying, but I try anyway. This is a really long blog so far isn't it...T_T' If you are reading this you should probably go because at this point I'm feeling pretty sad and might blab on forever!  And then go mentally insane and start dancing in my tears. ^^ Like a sprinkler. ^^

Starting from last night, I think everything went spiraling downward. I always think it's so easy to be happy since I tend to be a lot, but people are different. Things can scar their fragile hearts, and they may no be able to smile easily...or maybe have lost the will to do a lot of things...including being happy in any way shape, or form. Sad things may have happenned in their lives, so it may be even harder for them...I'm stupid, so I always just think they're being negative. But that's not really true at all. I screwed up big time, blew up, deleted a bunch of hablahblah moo moo person(s)...well just one but it's embarrassing so I'm being an idiot to cover up. T_T And was acting all depressed and bothered for the rest of the night. This morning I woke up crying...I think I must have had a sad dream~! = ] ^_^ Usually I talk in my sleep. My favorite thing to say according to my grammy is "I love you." = ] I wonder why...Y__Y Maybe I love too much. I leave myself wide open to get hurt, don't I...?

Sometimes I really don't know what's wrong with me...or why I feel certain feelings...it's just, I want to make people happy. It's what I live for...^_^ I'm terrible at it, but for some reason I want to keep trying because I think that's the most important thing in the world...I want to make people feel loved, and give them all of the love I possibly can~! =D So that maybe, their life will be a little bit better. Actually...I wouldn't need anything in return if someone would let me in to love them...
I think they'd realize how much of a wonderful person they were, and what a bright future they have ahead of them if a silly person like me could care about them so much...anyone else could love them so much more. I just...would really like that. ^_^ I wanted to be friends.
^______^ But I have lots of support. Many people have already granted all of my wishes, and helped me to become the person I am today~!

Woooooooooooooow this was really pointless I think. T_T' Well...actually, I feel a lot better now that I got all of that out~! That took a lot of guts I think. ^^ I feel a little proud... = ] But whether or not things get better from here isn't really something I worry about I suppose. ^_^ You can't force friendships, or love, or happiness, or positivity. ^_^ I think I was forcing fate for a minute there too... = ] I think this is where things are suppossed to be for a reason. ^_^ Because everything happens for a reason~! =D Well..>__< I wonder if something will happen for a reason from this reason which happenned for a reason. O_O Then that would mean I wasn't really forcing anything....T_T'  I'll just let go and let life do the rest~! =D And fate! =D And destiny!!
It's so exciting. ^_^ We'll see what happens. I hope it's good! To tell the truth, I've been going down a pretty sad, lonely, path of the jealous friend...T_T''' Not pretty at all~! It's like, I want huggles and love too~! Noo, only theeey get it. Okay then, let's talk~! =D *depression depression depression* Or not...wait no! I'm not giving up! *tries to be happy* Everything will be okay, okay!? =D

~I want both of you~

Everytime I'm in a bad situation I start writing. I'm writing and writing and then read what I wrote.. and then reread. Omg. It's so annoying sometimes. I'm annoying too when I'm talking about these kind of things. ? Or not ? v_v
                  -   because you two made me feel like this. I hate you because I like you two . But I must say Thank you guys because I wrote something really nice .. XP  Here it is :

As I go to bed with tears down my face
I turn off the lights
And lay down
Thinking of one thing

As my pillow starts to get wet
I start to fall into dream land
Everything turning into something amazing
Thinking of one thing

I start to see it all
I'm in tall grass
One boy on each side of me
Which one do I choose?

They both store in amazement
But at the same time want to fight
For they both want me
Which one do I choose?

One is my first loved
The other is my new love
Both wanting me
Which one do I choose?

"Don't you remember the love we had?"
Says the old love
Taking my hand
Which one do I choose?

"Don't you remember you love me now?"
Says the other boy
Taking the other hand
Which one do I choose?

As they both start to pulling
Screaming
Fighting
Which one do I choose?

"she's mine"
They keep saying back and forth
"No mine"
Which one do I choose?

The nightmare never ends
They just keep fighting
I can't stop them
Which one do I choose?

All of a sudden they let go
It goes dark I start falling
Where am i?
Which one do I choose?

I start screaming
But I hear nothing
I'm in complete dark
I'm lost

As I wake up in a jump
I sit on my bed
Looking around
Happy it was only a dream

I'm safe in my room
But I'm still thinking about that terrible dream
And I look at my pillow
Full of tears

But all I truly think about
Is which boy do I choose
What shall I do
When I'm lost and confused

As I lay back down
In my wet pillow
I fall asleep thinking of the terrible dream
Something so unreal

I keepy thinking it wasnt real
I'm safe
I'm fine
But I'm confused

Still wondering
Still thinking
That one question
Which boy do I choose...

Yea.. It's pretty long.. but ... It's real. ^^ . That's all. Going to sleep. Maybe I'll dream again that nightmare.. Actually that nightmare is my life right now. It sucks ....so much.

~Im Change~

I just realized it this evening, when I looked into the mirror.

I looked up and saw a quite pretty girl. not beautiful, but pretty.

do you know these moments, when you feel like the ugliest girl in the world?

and on other days you're quite happy with yourself?

well, I had those up and downs too.

a couple of years ago I was quite unhappy with myself.

I didn't like my clothes, which my sister bought and I didn't know how to use make up.

I put tons of powder on my face to cover my  acne.

I used to be obsessed with High School Musical, Camp Rock and that stuff.

actually, I still like and watch them.

but over the last few weeks I changed. 

I changed my hair & my eyescolour, but on the inside I changed a bit too.

[is it weird to use "change" in three sentences after another ? :O]

I know which music I like, how to use my make up and I know which clothes fit me.

and I wear high heels. I never wore shoes like that because I prefer sneakers, but

I think it's time to learn how to walk with them because I look so weird walking in high heels.

but I will train.

sometimes I'm still childish and like to watch cartoons and play hide and seek, because
I don't want to grow up that fast.
you're spending your life being an adult so long and the childhood is so short.
and I'm trying to enjoy every minute of it.

~True Colors~

You with the sad eyes

Don't be discouraged, though i realize it's hard to

take courage in a world, full of people,

you can lose sight of it

And the darkness inside you

will make you feel so small

But I see your true colors, shining through

I see your true colors, and that's why I love you

So don't be afraid, to let them show

Your true colors, true colors

Are beautiful, like a rainbow

Show me a smile, don't be unhappy

I can't remember when i last saw you laughing

If this world makes you crazy and

you've taken in all you can bare

You call me up- because you know I'll be there

~Battle For The Worst Of Us~

Think Back, Way Back To The Start.

I Want To Change. 

Show The Real World What I am, Who I am, & Who I Really Want To Be.

Not A Litlle Monkey Who Squeaks Everytime Is Let Into A Dangerous Descision.

But A Brave Independent Confident Person I CAN Be And Will Prove To Be.

Im Different. And Thats More Than What I Love About Everyone.

We Are All Made For A Special Purpose.

We All Just Got To Figure That Part On Our Own.

I Think Ive Made MY OWN Mind Up On Why I Was Made.  =)

I Am Very Happy For Everyone In My Life Who Appreciates What I Do For Them And What They Do For Me.

It Makes Me SmileTo Myself , Even Though Smiling Isnt My Greatest Strength.  

But Sometimes What Other People Dont See In You Is Something You Discover Within Others.

Got To Look Both Ways If You Want To Meet At The Corner

~Its No Fun Without You!~

We All Have Problems....

Shes Kinda A Dork

But I Dont Care

She Uses A Fork 

To Comb Her Hair

I Make Her Laugh 

She Makes Me Cry

I Tell The Truth

She Tells A Lie

Forgets To Meet Me At My Place

I Never Show My Pain To Her Face

Im Scared She Will Leave Me & Ill Be Alone

And Cry To Myself In The Garden Of My Home

Pretend Im In A Movie And Smile With My Eyes

My Sister See's Me And Im Surprised

This Is My Time To Be Alone

Can I Not Do That In My Own Home

Too Bad Im Sad But No One Cares

To Be Alone Is My Single Fear

I Hide My Smile And Never Show

My Fear To People, Of Being Alone.

Thanks To You Im Happy... Still Not Smiling But Without You Its No Fun!