You and only You.

hey there! i'm sorry for being absent for so long. i feel like i always apologize for being gone, i need to blog more often. school started about two weeks ago and i have afternoon classes from tuesday to friday, i get extra lesson on mondays and saturdays and sunday is the only free day. i basically have no life =D, by the way :D i'm super happy and already spent 50 SGD for make up and brushes. need to calm down a little bit, because otherwise my money will be gone, before the next 15th of the month.

"every single day i wake, i just cant wait to see your face. are you looking back at me? and every moment that goes by i am waiting for a sign.." you and only you by we the kings. when i heard the song for the first time i was like "OH MY GOSH. exactly what i'm feeling!" that day i saw the guy i like hugging another girl. i know, it might be one of his friends but i still died a little inside. a few days ago when i thought that i was over him, he suddenly appeared in my dreams. just like someone doesn't want me to get over with it. i'm so tired of having no idea what he's thinking about me.

i'll try to blog as much as possible, but it usually takes me about an hour to finish one post and i don't have that much time, so i just check heello and facebook one in a while, if you want, you can listen me there too =D.

~there's nothing that i wouldn't do..to make you feel my love~

To anyone who's ever had a broken heart, been picked on, been abused or neglected, been toyed with, hated themselves,to all the lonely people out there, i just want you to know one thing: YOU ARE LOVED. you are wonderful, lovely, and beautiful. You might not believe that you are these things, but trust me, you are. Someone out there loves you and cares for you, and would go to the ends of the earth for you. Whether it's your family, your friends, or maybe even someone you might not have even met yet... they're out there somewhere. You just have to believe.

~The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.~

hola everyone, my hair is brown again :)

anyways,
do you guys know what you want to be when you're "grown up"? which job you would like to have?
because i don't. i honestly have no idea. and i'm 16 now, turning 17 in august.
there are a lot of things i would like to do.
something with fashion or makeup or photography, makeup artist or fashion photographer.
my biggest dream is becoming famous as an actress or singer, but the chances are not very high and yeah.
and i wish i would have started playing piano when i was 10 or something, so i would be a pro by now.
i shouldn't have stopped taking violin  lessons aswell. there are so many things i regret doing,
but i can't change it and I have to deal with it.

the last few years i told myself that i would have enough time to figure it out, but now i got to the point
where there's no more left and i need to make a decision. so i'll continue going to school, until  find out what i want to do with my life.

dear heart, this is harder than i thought&i've lost some of your peices, i think they're still with him.

its hard to move on from someone who you were 'in love' with or still are.
its even harder knowing that whilst your trying to fix your heart back together, they've already moved on.. i think thats the hardest part; watching the one you love, love someone else.
its kinda like that now, i'm trying to convince myself and everbody else that i'm over him & that i dont need him.. but its not working, people can see right through me, i'm like a fucking window.
i cant admit to myself that i need him, because my mind is taking over and telling myself that i can live without him, but i cant. i really cant.
i'll keep trying, because its back in the past and you cant re-write the past no matter how much you want to, but last week that was me, that kills me knowing that someone else is holding his hand&kissing his lips, when i know that, that should be me in her place.

however, i cant describe my feelings. a part of me wants him back, needs him back. yet another part has already let go, but no matter how hard i try, no matter how much i convince myself that i'm over him, everytime he looks my way, right there at that very moment, i'm right back to square one. i'm stuck, its like my feet are supergluded to the floor and even though i try to move, its impossible.
i know its gona take time, i also know that eventually it will happen, because i'll make it happen, even if it means i have to celotape my heart back together, however i cant do that just yet cause' half of the peices still belong to him. - x

~Getting abuse! but dont care~

I love getting abuse.
It mean someone has actually taken the time to write meaningless words to me. Yiu guys who do it are inspirational. I love your opinionated selves. Truly amazing you know? I know you are not jealous of me like others would claim, no way, Im jealous of you. I just wish i had the balls to go on your pages and send anoymnous abuse just like you guys, i wish to grow up to be like you! Seriously im not taking the piss here.

Oh and just answering your lovely questions.
A sixeen year old can wear makeup, it is my choice, i've worn it for ages. I don't wear it to be 'cool' i sincerly dislike myself without it. And plus Im like nearly seventeen, and im pretty sure just because im young doesnt mean im not mature. Im pretty sure i can make my own decisions, but thanks guys i love you too.
Two. Big headed wasted ugly slut. Big headed? mmm im not sure, I dont really see myself that great, to be honest i have anxiety issues because of my lack of confidence in myself, but hey you must be the wise one here I'll go with your idea. Ugly well if  i agree i sound attention seeking so i'll just high five you, slut mmm yeah no I dont really think so depending on how you mean so, but hay you must really know me well, so thanks, i always wanted to know who and what i was. You really narrowed it down for me, your a good friend.

~The person i miss the most~

 I never really got to know you as an older person, with a better understanding of things than when i was eight or younger. You used to take us all out one by one, and buy us our hearts desire, oh how i wish that was still true. I never really got to say goodbye to you, i dont remember the last time i saw you before you left. I never cried. I never knew how to, i was young, but i still knew what was going on. I was more aware than anyone would have thought, i just couldnt. I wish i could have cried, but we all know that is who i am. Heartless and dry. I really do think about you these days, i tried to cry over loosing you, but something just pulls me back, it is liek you are there, telling me not to. You tried to make your time last longer, but we only gained a few month.Tiara says i remind her of you, apparently a lot, and i just wish  you could see me, and see yourself in me too, and feel proud. Because that would be my ultimate goal, to make you proud of me. I love you Amanda, and i do miss not being able to talk to you.

~Someone that pester my mind, ~

If i am honest, you don't pester my mind as much as previous people. Which is good, because that means im not thinking too much into things, because that is where i always go wrong. Because i think and think, and over think, i do it all the time, and it makes me paranoid, sometimes i would think so much i would become panicky and have actual attacks. I wouldnt be able to stop shaking, that was bad, But you pester my mind in a good way. You are like the sun, making me feel warm, just being around you. You make me smile and happier even if it is just for a few hours, it makes me feel better than i previously have.  And im grateful for even just that. Thanks for everything andy hope you have great life there (=

~I can't believe I'm having this feeling~

cry?

Because I really feel like I need one right now, like Id prefer it from someone else, but I know that wouldnt be possible right now. Ugh my mind always worrys me too much, its giving me a headache. imthinking too much, its just like, myself. My mind always picks up on things to try ruin my happiness... i dont know it sounds crazy but its the only way i can explain it, its like there is another person oof me in me and we dont get along. Like my heart is one person and my mind is another, and i always nag at myself making myself worry too much 

its just i know it might not be the case but its like somedays, he can give me the signal to forgive me, and he wants me back to him and it makes me happy and then other days my mind says that he would preffered me to just keep my distance and that he isnt that into me anymore and like i can think of more reason for him to not forgive me that him to forgive me. My mind doesnt like me very much i told you i worry too much -__- usually, it my mind, but when i start to be happy and enjoy things and stuff, my mind ruins it like it just wants to be heard and not my heart. Thats what I mean when I say, the problem is myself, cause its always me which makes me get upset from worying too much etc etc, and its always me which ends up hurting myself  ):  I hear voices eh? well thats perfect. i listen to music a lot to try help, but then a song comes on, and then i just feel shitterer [ehe], mmm but mmyeaa im just confused at the moment, cause I dunno if he likes me like he did or doesnt, and its stressing me out cause im worrying about it and I think that coz im stressing, im not eating properly, and then im gonna end up ill and i think i probably do have anxiety, and sometimes the stress can turn into physical pain and it sometimes does already and Im just so confused, and Yeah. But its me were talking about D: i worry enough as it is, I worry too much bout what i say to him, cause i worry bout what he will say and if i want to hear it, because I think right now i let myself get too attached to him, and i shouldnt have because were not even together, but i did, so now im scared of what could happen. But I still really like him anyways, and no one has said and he hasnt really done anything to say that he doesnt like me, but its just my mind trying to ruin this happiness i have found. It usually does. But yeah, I wish stress was never invented, and I wish I could learn to not worry so much. 

~My Bestfriend ~

Okay so today im gonna focus on one of the very most important things in all our lives. BEST FRIENDS !

its a definition, not a label...

And im going to talk about my bestfriend, Grace.

Sometimes, shes everything i need 

Shes like my diary, i tell her EVERYTHING 

I swear, she could ruin my life in a second if she wanted to....

But she wont.

She's actually everything to me, I spend most of my weekends with her, and the funnest memories i have, are definitely with her.

Without her, i dont know where i would be.

She's literally saved my life. More then once.

In the photo  is me and her , probably telling her something else about my dramatically great life... something she doesnt already know.  (:

Anyway, i just want you all to know how much friends are important in your life, dont take them for granted, because i doubt you could last a week without them. (: 

Incase they dont know already how much you appreciate them, it wouldnt hurt to take 2 minutes out of your life just to tell them how much they really mean to you. it can never hurt (:

Anyway, thats all for today, i might post again tonight, maybe. idk. Yep, kay. Byeeeee x

~Short Letter of my True Feelings~

Dhipo,

I'm still certain we're going to be.How everything would end.People just make it too complicated, and they're so happy to do so. I love you because you're smart to get my heart (: .And because you annoy me so much.I love how you try be cute when i'm angry.I'm pleased because you're being so patient though i rant on things.  a lot of things!.even on stupid things.I hate it when you make me cry, but i love how you raise my mood.Only you can do it (=

I Love You..

~Tired~

I maybe over dramatic, but i’m not happy at school. I don’t like that they are paying $2000 each year for me to go, when I can’t concentrate because I can think is, I want to get out of here, and everything is pissing me off and I’m miserable here. I look forward to going home, the only part about school i like is sitting on the bus on the way home. I felt a part of something in my old school, i miss my best friends, so terribly, I kept nearly crying today just because it isn’t the same. I tried to get used to it, i really hope I can move back to my old school like mum said we could talk about once , because I don’t care if it is in year twelve, the most important year. I can do it, i’m not saying I’m a genius but I am smart enough to get into things and get things going smoothly if i just try and want to. When mum said we could talk about moving me back later on, I got so happy, but only for a little while because I stopped getting my hopes up. She says things like this, says she will set up a counseller for me but it never happened, she said she would do this three times now, and never has. So i wouldn’t be surprised if she forgets that she said that, so why get my hopes up?  my new school so bored, and i slept most of the day, and stayed in the same place and just was counting down till i could leave. If i had my way I’d be out of there by the end of this term coming up next term, but i can’t, I wish i could, the people are nice enough I just don’t fit in, i’m around people but I don’t feel as if i’m there. I feel slowly ignored by the people who took me in, only one of them I really connected with, but not too much. I miss my friends, i miss being happy to go to school. I look forward to nothing, i just look forward to it all.ending.

~It's been a long hard road~

Have not posted in a bit, seems life doesn't have much of interest/gossip for me, besides being in love with Dhipo, and I'm okay with the fact that my life revolves around us, though that is really only one of the not many things which is positive and happy in my life which leaves holes or spaces for the negatives to make rest in.

First of, never being happy with who i am or what my appearance is, I have spoken of this several times before, but it is getting to the point where it is the constant topic of the voices in my head, i'm constantly wanting to change myself, when i do, it works for the first day, then it doesn't or it doesn't at all. I get frustrated easily with myself, which makes me angry and negative. Just before, it sounds silly, but i was trying to do my hair and it just want really getting me worked up and angry because it never is the way i want it, and i was at the point where i wanted to scream at the mirror "I hate you" instead i said it under my breath.

Problem is I don't know what is me or what i want to do to myself, and even worse, i feel like I can't do anythign about it yet because of everyone else, my school, stupid stupid school, maybe my family sometimes, my age, sometimes Dhipo and what he'd think, just i feel like I can't go out and do something to try find more of me, because of things like that, and money and everything. So i'm stuck in this whirling of negativity.

it is all i can think of.

~strange one~

I miss my individuality. I feel insignificant and like i have a loss of identity. I'm not saying i want brown hair back, just being able to look like I wanted to, not feeling restricted in at least that, i feel restricted in everything now in a way, i can't even control the one thing i could, the way i look. It was something I took pride in, i made a lot of effort in myself, now I hardly ever do. I don't get dressed up just to make me feel better about myself, i don't bother doing my make up with time and care anymore, i just don't take pride in myself anymore.

And I feel boring, like I don't mind people laughing, or doing crazy or whatever, I'm just somewhat jealous in a weird way because they are having fun, they are being young and reckless, being stupid, laughing, enjoying all the wrong things but that is what makes it even better. I just don't like it when people talk about what they did on the weekend or anytime around me because I just feel angry at everything when they do because they are happy and enjoying life and Im always doing the right thing, the right thing by everyone else, I want to do a bit of wrong every now and then?

~Counting 1,2,3 ding dong~

so basically, today was made up of pure AWESOMENESS.

-

My mom let me skip school cause I just wasn't feeling it today. I don't usually skip, so she was okay with it. Since I was home, I got to go car shopping with my mom. She then proceeded to tell me that I would get the new car whenever I'm able to drive :OO i'll be counting down the days! :) We didn't buy it yet, but i'm pretty sure we're going back soon. It's small and a pretty blue color. I kinda pretty much love it. At the store, there was this gorgeous salesman. He looked like he should be on an freaking abercrombie bag! Did my mom and I get him? 'Course not....instead we got stuck with this grumpy old guy..